I don’t know how it became my job but I’m so proud it did. Because I now know that no one else could’ve done it better. Came across this article during another sleepless night. I lost my dad 4 months ago. I am completely broken. I turned 30 a month ago and feel I have aged a decade with all the sleepless nights and tears. This article couldn’t be more relatable, though – it’s nice to know that all the things I’m experiencing are normal, and I’m not not going crazy after all. There were some references I had no idea what they meant “I pulled a Kanye,” went completely over my head. Then, the use of “thug,” as an adjective (what exactly is a thug-tear?), not just once, but SEVERAL times. This is a terrible thing tell a grieving person. It is not an absolute truth, and is not true for all people. Some people are more resilient than others, and resilience is not a sign of denial or suppression of feelings. We can learn to make those events joyful, where we remember the loved one with fondness rather than despondence.

The grieving process.Ty Alexander of Gorgeous in Greyis one of the top bloggers today with a wonderful personal connection with her readers. This is never more apparent than when she speaks about her mother. The pain of loss for mourners is universal. Yet, we all grieve differently. For Alexander, the grieving process is one that she lives with day-to-day. Learning from her pain, she connects with her readers on a deeply emotional level in her book, Things I Wish I Knew Before My Mom Died: Coping with Loss Every Day. From grief counseling to sharing insightful true stories, Alexander offers comfort, reassurance, and hope in the face of sorrow. No matter how prepared you think you are for a death, you can never be fully prepared for the loss and the grief.So I reflect tearfully this evening. I’m the one asking for forgiveness now; regretting any second that I wasn’t generous with my whole heart. With God’s great mercy I am reminded of His unfailing forgiveness. Thoughts flood my mind of the many times I did show my mother my love wholeheartedly, and those thoughts comfort me. The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.” 2 Peter 3:9 Nearly 12 months ago she finally stopped fighting and left us, after 20 years her death came suddenly And unexpectedly following a fractured hip (second time in a year different leg!). Within 36 hours of her fall she was gone. We always said what we wanted and needed, and we told her often that if dad came for her she was to take his hand and go with him. Her death was so peaceful, so many loved ones were there with us. I did it, I held her hand, talked to her, stroked her face and I let her go. Ty's book isn't just self-help; it's a mix-memoir, detailing her personal experience with the loss of her beloved mother and an inspirational guide on how to battle through. Ty's not telling you how to grieve. She's offering up her truth and if a piece of it hits home for you, she's inviting you to take it and run." - Tia Williams, author of The Perfect Find

The grief process is about not only mourning the loss, but getting to know yourself as a different person." My dad had me as his next of kin as I was the only one who was there for him and knew his wishes if it should ever come to that. When we had that conversation dad knew I would do everything he wanted and I was happy that he was comforted. The reality of that situation is hands down more HORRIBLE than anyone could ever imagine. I got a call out of the blue from a doctor asking me if they should put my dad on life support after he was rushed to hospital in cardiac arrest. I said yes and drove the 7 hours to be by his side. The next 4 days are a blur where I had to make so many choices without any support and praying for my dad to get better at least to wake up and speak with me. Then on the 5th day when his organs began shutting down i knew what i had to do – what he wanted me to do. So I signed the paperwork and lay beside him holding his hand with my head on his chest while they turned of his life support. I was alone and couldn’t bring myself to leave him. I couldn’t stop the rivers of tears. It was the day of his funeral after it was finished and I was alone in his home when my nightmare began. See my dad had a heartbeat and then I signed some forms and he was dead. I know that I did the right thing and would do it again but my mind has me feeling like I killed my dad. Truthfulness is the foundation of all the virtues of the world of humanity. Without truthfulness progress and success in all of the worlds of God are impossible for a soul. – Abdu’l-Baha, Star of the West, Volume 4, p. 183.One thing that didn’t help me was when God was brought into the mix. I know this person meant well, but when she said God was done with him and that’s why he died, I was speechless. So not everyone believes in God and saying things like this, or it was Gods way, God wanted him home, just doesn’t make the person feel any better. I just wanted to say that I know the guilt and the pain. The pressure to be ‘ok’ as people give you a ‘time’ I have found. As though we should be ok after however long. I guess I was expecting the book to follow the title more. I haven’t lost my parents yet, but their health is failing and my dad especially. I’d hoped for some thoughts on what to do *before* you lose a parent. In fact, the book is more a description of coping mechanisms for after the fact. That’s fantastic, but the title was misleading. As I conclude this essay a great calm has come over my soul. I know that my mother has heard what is in my heart. From this moment on there will only be love and joy between us until we are reunited once again. years after my dad passed my mum’s health deteriorated. Then for 20 years we have had numerous health scares, actually said good yet to her 10 years ago follow a brain bleed but she survived and lived for another 11 years. So, for 20 years I anticipated and feared her death, feared not being able to stay with her at that moment. About 18 months before she passed I had a breakthrough with a counsellor, my fear wasn’t her death but her leaving me as well, I had unresolved grief because the final piece of the puzzle should have been the event of her death. Due to her health issues I missed her just getting old and frail, I fought with her and for her for so long but you cannot night aging.

Some of these statements were made as if they were absolute truths, and it made me wonder if the person who wrote this list had any knowledge of contemporary grief theory and counseling. I would strongly urge you to rewrite the following statements. It can be as simple as inserting the words “sometimes” or “can be” or “for some people” so that you’re not making blanket statements as if they apply to everybody in every situation. For what it’s worth, here are my comments: We have to remember, when we forgive we’re not doing it just for the other person, we’re doing it for our own good. When we hold on to unforgiveness and we live with grudges in our hearts, all we’re doing is building walls of separation. – Joel Osteen In some ways it can be a frustrating read, because Ty sometimes seems to contradict herself. But grief can be deeply contradictory, and what works for coping one day or one year doesn't always work the next time you try it, so I feel pretty forgiving of this. My mom died in July 2020 after a brief, but fierce battle with a rare cancer. It was certainly unexpected. My mother was my best friend. She had taken care of my stepfather for 35 years. She took care of him so well, that he barely knew how to handle the funeral home, pay bills and was unfamiliar with taking care off there house and meals. I have spent the last year taking care of him and teaching him. I have settlied my mom’s personal bills, closed her business and notifying people and companies of her death….. including some of her doctors who somehow “missed the “memo.” I felt deep pain following my mother’s passing, and I’m still feeling it—which surprises me. After all, she and I talked about her going to the next world many times over the years. We both thought we were prepared. As a Baha’i, I didn’t fear death for myself, or for her:

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But somehow I still wake up with a smile in the morning, and I still have hope for the future, and I am still able to enjoy my present, even if it’s so tainted with pain. I can still laugh and get excited and look forward to things. I can still enjoy this life. I am really scared to have children now, as I am scared to lose what I don’t even yet have. It’s hard not to feel – in a family where 3 sons have died – that my family line is cursed. If I have children, they will surely die, right? Complicated grief is like being in an ongoing, heightened state of mourning that keeps you from healing. Signs and symptoms of complicated grief may include: Intense sorrow, pain and rumination over the loss of your loved one.” I lost both of my younger brothers on April 26, 2021. How can I even begin to describe it? There’s no sense. Nothing makes sense in this version of reality where I am nothing resembling my former self, and my beautiful, darling, hilarious brothers are no more. Not even skeletons. Just dust.

If one of you has been wounded in the heart by the words or deeds of another, during the past year, forgive him now; that in purity of heart and loving pardon, you may feast in happiness, and arise, renewed in spirit. – Abdu’l-Baha, Vignettes from the Life of Abdu’l-Baha, p. 49. My parents, who lost their first son all those years ago, shells of the people they once were. Who are we now? Who are we to each other? Are we even still a family any more? All I imagine, all day, every day, is losing them. Then who will I be? Mourning and remembrance. In the chapters of this soul-touching book, mourners find meaning and wisdom in grieving and the love that always remains. Yes, reading the stories has helped because we aren’t alone – we all understand it. Grief is something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. Dying is not like you see on TV or in the movies.It is not peaceful or prepared.You may not have a spiritual or meaningful moment. It’s too real.”They don’t tell you that you will hardly be able to look at yourself in the mirror, or bear the sound of your own voice, because it perfectly resembles the people that you lost. My face is not my face. My voice is not my voice. It’s their voice, and they’re gone.